The Calendars of Fools
by madurai
Summary: The morning after the attack on the Astronomy Tower, Tonks faces the uncertainty of her relationship with Remus as well as the prospects of a future without Albus Dumbledore. Prompts were "Fool on the Hill" and the word "flap." TBC


_Live this day as if it will be your last. Remember that you will only find ''tomorrow'' on the calendars of fools._

- Augustine "Og" Mandino

Sitting on a hill overlooking Hogwarts, Tonks watched the stars fade into a sky streaked with grey and wondered if this is how it felt when the world ended. She took a deep, shuddering breath as the enormity of the night's events finally struck home.

_Dumbledore is dead. Dumbledore is dead, and you've made an utter fool out of yourself, Nymph-a-dora, _she thought bitterly, wiping the tears from her eyes. _Par for the course, I reckon._

She remembered Robards' disdainful look as he strode into the hospital wing with a contingent from Magical Law Enforcement. "I suppose _you_ were involved in this, as well?" She had been immediately dismissed, informed that her statement would be taken in the morning, and could she please refrain from partaking in any _unauthorized activities_ until then.

Her biting reply had stuck in her throat, the humiliation from her confrontation with Remus still fresh. Merlin, but she hated it when she got all emotional like that. She supposed she could chalk it up to shock over Dumbledore's death, coupled with adrenaline from the battle. But it left her feeling she had little choice but to comply with Robards' request and leave the castle. Which is how she found herself sitting on a hill above the castle grounds, intermittently tearing at the grass in frustration and staring numbly off into space.

The sun was just coming up over the horizon when she noticed a familiar figure climbing the hill towards her. Familiar, and yet … . Her fingers twitched around her wand nervously as she watched him approach. She finally cried out, "Stop!" and raised her wand in warning. "What did you give me for my last birthday?"

"What?" Remus looked at her as though she'd gone mad. He ran his fingers through his hair distractedly and his eyes widened in sudden realization. "A crane folded from an old chips wrapper," he replied. "I … made do."

Tonks relaxed her hold on her wand and raised an eyebrow in question. "Did Peeves attack you with shears, then?" His hair—still long and unkempt when they'd fought and argued together no more than a few hours ago—was now as short as she'd ever seen it.

He fingered the hair at the nape of his neck self-consciously. In the dim twilight it was difficult to tell, but she thought he might be blushing. "I cut it off in the Prefects' bathroom. I went in to clean up ... it had gone a bit ratty over the last few months, and suddenly I couldn't stand the sight of it."

The smile that tugged at the corner of her mouth faded as the scene from the hospital wing replayed itself in her head. Silence stretched between them.

Remus' jaw clenched as he turned away, avoiding her eyes. "I'm sorry, Tonks. I saw you sitting up here … I have no right ... " Any lingering resentment she might have held on to was erased by the pain in his eyes. Tonks sighed, "Remus, sit down." He looked at her hesitantly so she insisted, "Sit down, you bloody prat."

They sat together on the hill watching the sun come up. Finally, Remus spoke. "I spent last night in the castle, wandering around." He looked towards the castle, his memory haunted by the ghosts of people she had never known. "They're all gone now."

"I'm here," she reminded him gently. He squeezed her hand in quiet acknowledgment.

"They're the ones who convinced me, you know. That I was human." It was his turn to sigh. "Just a your average teenaged wizard with a 'furry little problem.' We were so young, so full of ourselves. 'The Marauders.'"

He looked at her for a moment—really looked at her, like he hadn't since the incident with the Montgomery child. "Sirius was particularly insistent, that last year at Grimmauld Place, that I was a human being entitled to a normal life, love …"

"You _are_ human," she managed to whisper.

"Only when I'm with you."

Tonks couldn't help but laugh as he brought her hand up to his lips. "Merlin, that was a line. When was the last time you slept, anyway?"

He considered for a moment. "Several days ago."

"That's it, come with me." She was glad to have something practical to do—anything that would focus her attention away from the insistent whisper in her head. _Dumbledore is dead._ They walked down to Hogsmeade, each lost in thought, but sharing a comfortable silence.

* * *

Tonks halted in the doorway to the Hog's Head, seized by a sudden sense of dread. "Did anyone…?"

"Minerva, I think." Remus looked as disconcerted as she felt.

"Right." Tonks let out a breath and led Remus up the stairs to her room, their footsteps echoing in the too still inn. She opened the door to her tiny room and ushered him inside.

She watched as Remus walked over to the window and fingered the delicate paper crane hanging from the casement. "You kept this." He didn't sound particularly surprised.

She shrugged out of her robes and draped them over the single chair in the room. "It was the last thing you gave me, the last time we ..." She trailed off, not really wanting to rehash old arguments. _The last time we made love, before you decided you knew what was best and told me to get on with my life._

Remus continued to stare out the window at the streets of Hogsmeade. "I spent quite a bit of time in the hospital wing when I was at Hogwarts, for obvious reasons. Dumbledore …" His voice cracked. "Dumbledore brought me a book on Origami. This was before the Marauders, before Sirius and the others had figured out where I went every month.

"He was the first, outside of my parents. The first one who knew what I was and yet treated me as a person, not a monster." He looked at her then, and the grief in his face together with his newly shorn hair made him look almost young, and utterly vulnerable.

"You should try to rest," she suggested softly. To her surprise, instead of arguing he removed his robes, placing them next to hers on the chair, and joined her on the bed. As she snuggled into his shoulder he let out a long sigh — whether of contentment or resignation she wasn't quite sure.

They lay together for several minutes before Tonks found herself filling the silence. "I remember once, I wanted to skive off potions, so I morphed boils all over my face and neck. Turns out it looked remarkably like spattergroit. Threw Madame Pomfrey into a right panic.

"Off course I got caught. Professor Sprout gave me detention for a month in the hospital ward, doing the washing up by hand. That was nothing compared to having to talk to Dumbledore, though. He reminded me that my abilities carried with them a special responsibility, and about the trust the faculty and staff at Hogwarts had always had in me to use my gifts appropriately. Merlin, I wanted to die right then and there.

"The next thing I knew he was offering me a lemon sherbert and asking if I would please do Madame Pince for him—just this once—as he had always thought the librarian would look stunning in pink hair." She could feel his chest shake with suppressed laughter.

"I never felt so small, as when I disappointed him." She bit her lip to try and stem the tears.

"That was the worst part," Remus agreed, "after Sirius escaped. Knowing that I had let Dumbledore down, that I had lied to him for all those years, and seemingly put Harry into danger as a result."

She felt the growing pressure behind her eyes and finally let go of the sob she had been holding back. "I hated him. For sending you to Greyback. I saw what it was doing to you, and I hated him," she confessed.

"He didn't have a choice, Dora. This is war."

"I knew that, but still, I hated him." He kissed the top of her head and pulled her close into his body as the tears began to fall.

* * *

Later that morning she sat on the windowsill and watched him sleep. But for the prominence of his collarbone under his shirt she could almost pretend that it was last year, that when he woke up they would make love and then he would cook them bubble and squeak for breakfast. Later they would apparate to Grimmauld Place and Sirius would find some by solace from his confinement by taking the piss out of Remus for "corrupting his little cousin."

Tonks shook her head in irritation. Now was hardly the time to start daydreaming about days long gone. Sirius had been dead for more than a year, and now they had lost Dumbledore. The Death Eaters were becoming bolder by the day, and they faced the growing prospect of the Ministry falling to Voldemort. Not to mention the fact that she had no idea where she and Remus stood. True, they had found comfort in one another from their grief, but that didn't guarantee that Remus had finally given up his stubborn insistence that she was better off without him.

Across the room the subject of her musings stirred and then leaned up on his elbows to look for her. "Good morning." He looked around uncertainly. "Is it still morning?"

His voice was rough and hoarse from sleep and he looked deliciously rumpled. She struggled against an impulse to jump on top of him and run her fingers through his newly shorn hair. Instead, she did what she always did when feeling uncertain. She rambled.

"Late morning, yeah. Not quite noon, I don't think. Are you hungry? I don't think Aberforth is serving … what with everything … I could probably round up something in the kitchen, although I couldn't guarantee that it would be edible. Or not meant for the goats. I'll just pop out and get us some food, yeah? Why don't you clean up and meet me downstairs." She hesitated a moment before kissing him quickly on the lips and walking out the door.

The Three Broomsticks was packed. Rather than the usual boisterous lunch crowd, however, subdued witches and wizards huddled together in twos and threes, talking quietly. A few were crying. Occasionally someone would glance fretfully in the direction of Hogwarts. She was glad she hadn't stopped to don her Auror's robes, as her plain shirt and jeans leant her some anonymity and she had no desire to be swamped by worried bar patrons at the moment. She managed to catch the eye of one of the servers who knew she was an Auror.

"Were you there? Did you see...?" Gillian had been a year behind her in Hufflepuff. Her eyes were red and swollen; she had obviously been crying.

"I was there, but I didn't see it happen. I can't really talk about it. Is Rosmerta around?"

"But don't you know? The Aurors came and took Madam Rosmerta away early this morning." She looked like she might cry again at any minute.

"Rosmerta?" Tonks swore under her breath. What the hell was Robards doing? "No, I didn't know. Look, Gilly, I'll try to find out what I can, okay? In the meantime, my mate and I have been up all night and could really use a bite. Do you think you might scare us up something to eat?"

Gillian's eyes widened and she nodded. "Yeah, of course. A full fry-up, for two? And it's on the house. We're not to charge the Auror's for _anything_ while they're here, professional courtesy and all."

"Ta, Gilly." Tonks felt a bit guilty taking Gillian up on her offer since she wasn't exactly on Auror business at the moment. But she was going to need some sort of sustenance to make it through the day ahead, and the smells drifting in from the kitchen reminded her just how long it had been since she'd eaten.

She managed to navigate the streets and alleyways back to the Hog's Head without spilling anything, much to her surprise. The inn was empty except for Remus, who was waiting for her at a table against the wall. Two Butterbeers sat uncorked on the table in front of him.

"I brought some food. The Broomsticks is packed. I can't believe there are this many people living in Hogsmeade. Word must have gotten out already." She managed to levitate the plates on to the table, only losing one tomato in the process.

Remus' eyes widened in surprise, as though he hadn't seen this much food in some time. Which, she supposed, was probably true…. "Thank you," he said, reaching across the table to squeeze her hand.

They ate in silence for a time. Finally gathering her courage, Tonks asked him, "How do you feel?"

Remus looked at her thoughtfully for a moment. "Exhausted. Numb. I can't believe he's gone."

Tonks nodded her head and swallowed past the sudden lump in her throat. _Dumbledore is dead._

"I feel ... lost and free at the same time." Remus shook his head. "Greyback most certainly saw me last night, meaning … I won't be going back."

Tonks' efforts to quash the sudden hope brought on by his words were entirely undone when Remus took her hand in his and began to rub his thumb along her knuckles. "I can't explain what it was like, living that life. There but for the grace of Albus Dumbledore go I. And I began to wonder, what had I done to deserve the life I had been given? What made me more worthy than these others to have a home, friends, love? Nothing made sense any more, especially after the Montgomery child was killed."

"That wasn't —"

He smiled at her wryly. "Yes, I know. That wasn't my fault. It seems a rather persistent young witch has been trying in vain to pound that fact through my thick skull."

"And has she had any success?"

"Some."

They were interrupted when the front door opened and the afternoon light suddenly flooded the room. Gawain Robards strode in, accompanied by Roberta Proudfoot and a young wizard Tonks vaguely recognized from Magical Law Enforcement. Tonks closed her eyes in frustration. _Oh no, no, no, Robards. You are __not__ interrupting this conversation._

Robards approached the table and sneered at Remus with ill-concealed contempt. "Remus Lupin. We have reports that Fenrir Greyback was involved in the attack on Hogwarts last night. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

Tonks ground her teeth. "Look, Robards, you've no call making those accusations. You know damned well Remus is a member of the Order of the Phoenix, since I happen to know you've got dossiers on all of us. He's done more over the last three months to fight Voldemort's return than the entire Auror division has done over the last three years."

Robards seemed more than happy to turn his attention to Tonks. "And as for you Auror Tonks, given your tenuous standing within the Ministry right now, I might suggest you be more careful of the company you keep."

She pushed her chair back angrily and stood toe-to-toe with Robards. "As for my employer, if the Ministry had focused on _finding Voldemort_ and hadn't spent so much bloody effort creating some sort of _image_ that we're protecting the 'Boy Who Lived,' some of us might have been out there hunting down Death Eaters instead of wasting our time, reassuring the merchants of Hogsmeade! And then maybe, just maybe, we could have to stopped this thing before it happened!"

"You're out of line, Tonks! The very fact that Hogwarts was attacked last night proves that the Ministry was right to station Aurors in Hogsmeade."

"Yeah, then why were the only people there to fight off the attack members of the Order? How many Death Eaters—true Death Eaters, not pigeons like Stan Shunpike—has the Ministry captured in the last year? How many of those known Death Eaters we've failed to arrest were at Hogwarts last night?

"Now, we'll be glad to give you our statements as witnesses to what happened at the castle. Once we've finished our lunch. I'm sure Roberta can show you where Aberforth keeps the Butterbeer if you want to wait at a table. Over there."

Robards looked at her with narrowed eyes. "This kind of behaviour won't be tolerated in my office, _Auror_ Tonks."

"Feel free to write me up. Now bugger off." Robards turned abruptly and headed across the room, followed by Proudfoot and the young wizard whose name Tonks' couldn't remember. Roberta managed to give her a thumbs-up behind her back as she followed her boss. "God, that felt good. I've wanted to give that git what for for months now."

Remus was trying hard not to laugh from behind his Butterbeer. He took her hand again as she sat down and said, "You were brilliant. I do so love you, Nymphadora Tonks."

* * *

The day of the funeral Tonks stood uncertainly before the small mirror in her room.

"You don't think it's disrespectful?"

Remus stood behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders, kissing her neck. He tucked an errant pink curl behind her ear as he met her eyes in the mirror. "I think he would love it."

Tomorrow they would face the uncertainty of a world without Dumbledore. Today it was enough that he held her hand as they walked the long road up to the castle to say goodbye.


End file.
